Being watched and assessed by so many people (e.g., friends, family, therapists, psychiatrist, social workers, adoption professionals, personal care assistants, etc.) feels less like playing at the playground and more like being watched at an Olympic sporting event. The crowd has been cheering, but they are way up in the stands and it’s starting to sound like white noise. The judges are giving high scores, but I don’t want or need a medal.

The “watch me” I’m craving is to be seen as a person, separate of my parenting choice. I’m no saint or super hero. Parenting my teen is all consuming and I feel a little lost in all of it. I don’t have too many thoughts, conversations, or activities at this time in my life that don’t include my daughter, so I recognize there isn’t a lot of just, plain old me shining through. I’ve got no jumps, spins, or hanging from the monkey bars to show anyone right now. Just want to be seen. Makes me think of times when my daughter repetitively says (for no apparent reason) “look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look…” and I respond by saying, “I see you.”

And yes, you could do what I’m doing if you had to.

But here’s the cool thing: now that my kids are older, I do feel like I’m finally getting that feedback, and it’s so satisfying! There’s nothing–and I mean NOTHING–better than seeing them become who God made them to be. My oldest is starting to think about college next year, and I am constantly in awe that he’s turned out so well (in spite of all the ways I tried to screw him up). Seeing him make good choices and do cool things completely independent of me makes all those life-sucking trips to the park worth it.

Good work Robyn!

My husband and I quite our jobs and moved from MN to CO and are living with friends until we find new jobs. Not many people have offered praise for this, which has been hard and unexpected for me. I look at is as exciting and energy giving and hopeful. Others tend to give crooked looks and comments about how strange it is that we would do such an irresponsible thing, especially in this economy! Of course, we have friends who support us completely, as does our family. But still! Come on! Get excited for us! At least we have the nerve! (I don’t mean that to be rude, just expressing my want for affirmation and approval.)