How to Get a Girlfriend

Carla: I’ve been reading this book that our Rev friend Kristi told me about. It’s called “The Passion of the Hausfrau” by Nicole Chaison and I love it! I am working on another post that will go into more detail about the book and the trajectory it’s sent me on, but first I wanted to pick your brains about something Nicole says.

She has this whole shtick on needing a girlfriend and that finding really great female friends is just about as difficult as finding a spouse. She writes about the little ways she scopes out other moms at the playground and how she navigates the early conversations to find points of connection. She lists her “turn-ons”–moms who can laugh when they have baby puke running down their backs, moms who are willing to be vulnerable, etc. The woman is incredibly funny–and pretty crass at times so this book is not for the easily offended–and I found myself laughing out loud all the way through the book.

This idea of “courting” other women in our efforts to develop friendships struck me as having some real potential for the revolution. So I want to know–what are your turn ons? What draws you to other women in your search for meaningful friendships? What do you find yourself doing or saying to draw other women to you?

For me, I find that, like Nicole, I am instantly attracted to moms who are open and honest about their struggles, who don’t act like they know everything or have it all together. I am also drawn to women who seem to have other things going on in their lives–interesting hobbies or jobs or ideas.

For me, talking about our children is a pretty big turn-off. I mean, I know it’s kind of a starting point for a relationship, but for me, that only goes so far. I don’t mean that I never want to talk parenting, but for the most part, I need women in my life who are interested in me as a whole person, not just as a mom. I want to know what my friends think about religion and politics and current events and celebrity gossip and new restaurants and my shoes. And I want them to care what I think about those things as well.

I feel the same way about any subject, really. If I make a friend through work or church or standing in line at Target, our friendship won’t go very deep if all we ever talk about is work or church or Target. Our commonality is a starting point, not the sum total of the relationship. This might be why so many of my female friendships in recent years have been with women who don’t have kids or whose kids are now adults.

Caryn: So, the time I was on your pastor’s radio show, he was all about my “girl crushes” and now you’re asking me about my girl turn ons? Jeez Louise. But, okay. Of course, I’m game. Lesbian rumors be damned. Or, maybe, darned, I should say. No need to swear here.

I’m with you, actually: mom talk is my biggest turn off when meeting new friends. It’s a great starting place and easy common-ground thing, but as anyone who’s taken more than two peeks around the Rev can see, when we start talking only mom-and-kid stuff is where a lot of us tend to get lost.

So my biggestfriend  turn on is a woman who can bring herself: who can share something funny, interesting, personal, challenging, quirky, painful, convicting, funny again…. [QUICK NOTE: My husband just came into my office to tell me something, started rubbing my shoulders, and asked what I was working on. Of course, he zeroes in on the first sentence here. He's VERY interested in this post. Men.....]

I like women who understand that I have more to bring to conversation and the world than my kids. And while it seemed to me—at least for the first probably four years as a mom—that friendships like this were doomed, never to be had again until maybe Shady Pines or on the Lumberjack Tour (Carla and I will have to explain this another time…If we haven’t already), now I actually have a bunch of friendships that have nothing to do with motherhood. So mom and kid stuff actually doesn’t come up.

In fact, one of my newer good friends Tracey and I live in the same town, are the exact same age and have kids very similar ages. But we met and bonded over more worky and churchy stuff so we know very little about each other as moms and even less about our kids. In fact, last week we ran into each other at the spray park—each of us with kids in tow—and it’s sort of an awkward, nearly shocking experience because we don’t know how to relate on that mom-level.

Now, granted, to have the fullest extend of a friendship, it’s probably nice to meld all the areas of our lives, but I’m just sayin’: I like having friends who know more about me as a woman than me as a mom.

Getting to this point isn’t easy, though. For me, it tooks like years of hard prayer and then huge leaps of being the first one to be vulnerable and dive into the big stuff. Doesn’t always work. But it’s sure great when it does.

Carla: I must say, however, that the Revolution is helping me learn how to be friends with other moms. I love the women who are showing up here because you are honest and broken and funny and real and smart and interesting and challenging. So how do we keep finding each other?

I want to know what you lovely ladies (and Steve) do to find and nurture friendships. I know this is a struggle for a lot of us, but when it’s worked, what’s made it work? What are the essentials of a meaningful relationship? What keeps you from moving into a deeper friendship and what encourages you to take a step forward?

Just a Thriller

Caryn: So, this is weird. And sad. Since our fantab-u-oso fun time hosting the Mommy Revolution webinar Monday night, I’ve been meaning to start a post on realizing you’re not alone. Because, I think, one of the premier themes that came out of that night was that it’s just so great to feel like we’re not alone in our struggles or craziness or whatever. It’s what women were chatting about—and the feedback we got back afterward.

But alas, two things kept me from writing this earlier: 1. It’s summer vacation and I still haven’t figured out how to do anything with all three kids around me all the darned time (especially when it’s 95 degrees with 95% humidity and I’ve pretty much moved into our local pool).

And 2. (here’s the sad, weird part) Because every time I’d think, “it’s so good to know you aren’t alone,” I’d get Michael Jackson’s “You Are Not Alone” running through my head. Then, I’d picture the video—where he had that shortish haircut and slunk around with Lisa Marie Presley—and then I’d get to that sad place I always get to when I think about Michael Jackson and his life. And it was too hot to be sad this week.

So then, the other day, FINALLY, I had blocked out some time to work on this—and what do I discover as I sit down at my computer? He died! Michael Jackson is dead (of course, you know this by now). Argh. Sad. Sad. Sad…. Sad life. Sad death. The guy just makes me sad—and the sadness I feel for him comes straight out of the loneliness factor.

Any time I’ve ever read about him, that’s the resounding theme. He had a lonely childhood (okay, so I’m basing this one on the made-for-TV movie where he talks to that rat in the house in Gary)—not to mention an abusive one. He had a lonely superstardom (though it sounds like loneliness and superstardom go hand in hand more often than we’d think). I imagine his more recent years were just as lonely. (Do you think someone surrounded by love and care and concern for his welfare would allow him to subject himself to all that surgery?)

So anyway, I just thought as an homage to Michael Jackson—who, as weird as he was, happened to be an amazingly talented child and man, who kept me dancing and singing all through my childhood—I think we need to do a big Mommy Revolution push toward easing the loneliness of this life.

Even in our own feeling of being alone, we need to help another mom, dad, child, superstar, anybody feel less alone. How? You might take a queue from MJ: You can tell them, “I’ll be there…. Just look over your shoulder, honey!” Or, “You knock me off my feet now, babe…..” Or, “Mama say mama sa ma-ma moo sa…” Or whatever comes to mind.

It’s just that if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make that change….

Carla: Caryn, it’s times like this when I love you more that I can possibly say. Only you could connect MJ and loneliness so beautifully and in a way that makes perfect sense. You make it seem as easy as 1-2-3, simple as do-re-mi.

MJ’s life is an example (albeit an extreme example) of what loneliness does to us. It turns us in on ourselves until we are no longer the people we used to be. I mean, the man was ill in every way a person can be ill and I think most of it had to do with the lack of true connections to other people.

So while none of us will ever live a life like that of the King of Pop (and thank God for that), I think he can serve as a reminder that what is best and brightest in us quickly becomes broken and dimmed when we don’t have meaningful relationships. Loneliness is a serious problem for parents and yet when we are willing to be vulnerable, to be honest about our struggles and joys and doubts and questions and hopes, we can find the connections we long for.

Shamone!

Fathers, Outages, Webinars…

Caryn: Happy Father’s Day from the Mommy Revolution, all ye Daddies out there! Didn’t want the day to go by without a little shout out. We SO appreciate the dads in our lives–and on this blog. (Talking to you, Steve!).

Of course, being the shameless self-promoters that we are, we also wanted to remind everyone who registered that our FREE Mommy Revolution webinar is tomorrow night. I would give the link again, but if you can believe it (and we really can’t), the webinar is actually FULL!!!!!!! I mean, technically, you might be able to squeeze in a last-minute registration, but the turn-out overwhelmed everyone and the powers-that-be actually asked us to pull back on the promotion. Crazy. 

But even if you can’t make tomorrow night’s debut webinar, we hope we can catch you again if we get to do another one of these babies. Though we can’t promise you future ones will be  free. Neither can we promise that half the content will have been scribbled out on paper in candle-light as it was this time, thanks to a multi-day power outage in the Rivadeneira’s neck of the woods.

Power outages aren’t much fun–especially when the temps hit 95 and HUMID as all heck—but it adds a bit to the Revolutionary flair to dash out notes and ideas in a sticky, dimly lit room. 

Anyway, hope to see you all tomorrow night! Well, actually we won’t be able to see you, but we’ll be able to read your questions. So please ask lots of them!

P.S. Congratulations to my brother and sister-in-law in the birth of their new boy.

Could Loneliness Be Good for You?

Carla: My dear friend Tim Keel posted something on his blog that got me thinking differently about the issue of loneliness. You can read Tim’s post here (and I encourage you to read all the links, especially this one).

If you’ve spent any time here at the Mommy Revolution, you know that loneliness is one of those issues that keeps coming up. It seems to ripple in to all kind of other conversations–jealousy, community, boredom, the mundane details of maternal life. It’s a subject we could look at from several angles. But I think this one, this idea that there might be something redemptive in the midst of loneliness, is worth digging into.

I find that loneliness is one of the most pervasive issues I face as a mom. The irony of course is that I’m rarely alone. I have company in the shower (and not the fun kind of company), in the bathroom, in my bed, at my desk, when I’m trying to make lunch or read or get dressed or water the plants. And yet most days I feel such a deep sense of loneliness it almost makes me crazy. It’s why I’m addicted to Facebook. It’s why I get excited when the mail comes. It’s why I blog. I am starved for some kind of connection with other people, the kind that’s rich and meaningful and intimate.

This feeling isn’t the result of being an at-home mom, either. I felt the same way when I worked. In fact in some ways it was worse then because I was surrounded with potential connections that, for various reasons, never quite turned into what I longed for.

But Tim’s post has me wondering what I could learn about myself in the midst of this loneliness. I don’t see it going anywhere anytime soon, but I do think that there might be a way to reconsider loneliness through the eyes of redemption. But I also know that I need some help from you smart women (and Steve), to help me figure out what that might look like.

So here’s what I want to know: What have you discovered about yourself, about God, about life, about anything, in the midst of loneliness?

Caryn: I’m seriously having a hard time responding here. After reading your entry and the links, I just want to curl up in some corner and cry. Lonliness is probably THE big issue of my life. The thing I wrestle with the most. The thing I worry about most for my kids.

But, alas, as you and your friend Tim and the other guy so beautifully shared, loneliness is also one of the biggest blessings. God has used it probably more than anything else to shape me into who he wants me to be. It’s almost weird, too, how he uses it. That it’s through times of desperate aloneless and the resulting deep introspection that has turned me less inward and more outward. God has used my own loneliness to soften me, to sharpen me, and to–as it’s been pointed out–connect with others.

And beyond a blessing it also certainly is a Muse. The least lonely years of my life (my early marriage, my work-in-an-office-career-years) were my least creative. I only wrote when I had to, and much prefered editing other people’s stuff because I just didn’t have any “juice” of my own. And that juice comes from loneliness—among other things. (FYI: this is not a sex reference. I’m not like you, Carla, with your little shower imagery up there…).

So, yes, I think loneliness can be very good. I now like it a little even—in certain circumstances—because I know it’s a gift of sorts. Something that if we allow God into, he can use and redeem and work with in so many ways.

Sorry. I seriously am feeling all emotional and the need to cry, but I have to run to a meeting. I do have a story about being at the pool today and feeling all lonely seeing the other moms talk, but maybe I’ll just comment that later.

Thank you for starting this one, Carla. I feel sad that you were lonely at a time when we worked together. I’m so glad, though, that out of our own crazy loneliness we could do this Revolution thing and make at least ourselves feel less lonely. We’re in this crazy together!! With all you Revolutionaries too!

Carla:  I’m sorry to make you almost cry Caryn. I think that there is, as the second link above says, a very fine line between the redemptive loneliness and the horrible loneliness that no one ought to have to live through. For me, the trick will be learning to tell the difference.

Spanking

Carla: So yesterday, one of my Facebook friends had the following status update: “taught the preschool Sunday school today. During prayers, one kid said ‘thank you God for today and please no more spankies with the wooden spoon.’”

That status broke my heart. Poor little bug! But what really started to get me stirred up were the responses to this status. Things like “at least he’s going to the right source. Only God can help us not be bad” and “if she’d said ’sploon’ it was probably one of mine, LOL!” Other people gave a little virtual chuckle, others noted how cute that was.

Cute? A 4-year-old asking Jesus to make something painful stop is cute?!? I posted my own comment on how sad that prayer made me and that I hope Mom and Dad give the spoon a rest, but I seemed to be the only one who saw a problem rather than a charming anecdote.

Of course, I should know better. I know how a lot of Christian parents are about spanking. I know they truly believe it’s the godly way to discipline and that it’s actually a good thing that this little peanut wants it to stop because that’s how she will learn to be obedient to the authority of her parents and therefore God.

And let me also qualify the rant that is about to come thusly: I have several dear, lovely, beloved friends who are wonderful parents and who spank their kids. I don’t think parents who spank are evil or abusive or horrid. And while my husband and I don’t believe spanking is an effective form of discipline, we have each spanked exactly once. I gave my oldest daughter a single swat on the tush when she was about 6 because I was angry and fed up and lashed out at her in an instant of frustration. My husband spanked our son on an occasion when it seemed that nothing else was working; they both cried for a good 20 minutes when it was over.

That said, here’s why I think spanking ought to be the exception rather than the rule:

1) As a form of true discipline, it’s not very effective. It doesn’t teach a child anything except that her parents are in charge and she isn’t. I’m not sure that’s the most important lesson a child needs to learn–and most kids figure that out without someone hitting them. It might change behavior, but it doesn’t reinforce positive character formation, which is the point of discipline.

2) It ignores the reality of a child’s cognitive development. The little sweet pea praying for the spankings to stop? She’s not asking God to help her behave. She’s asking God to make her parents stop hurting her. She isn’t developmentally able to make the abstract connection that if she changes her behavior the spanking will stop. That’s because her parents most likely don’t spank her for a specific type of behavior but rather for a general set of behaviors that they believe to be disobedience. If a child is only spanked when she pinches the baby, then spanking might lead to her no longer pinching the baby. But if she’s spanked when she pinches the baby, when she paints the walls, when she refuses to put her shoes on, when she dumps all of mommy’s jewelry in the toilet, then in her mind there is no rhyme or reason to the spanking because each of those behaviors is the result of a specific set of emotions or thought processes in a child. She can’t connect one incident to the other because they don’t share any common motivation. She doesn’t know what motivates her to do what she does any more than most adults. I mean, when you yell at your child, how long does it take you to consider why you have done so? More than a few minutes I would guess.

3) It ignores the reality of a child’s behavioral development. Toddlers and preschoolers are certainly capable of being naughty. But most of the time they aren’t trying to misbehave. They are trying to learn, to figure out the world around them, to test out the rules and the expectations. The tantrums of a 2-year-old aren’t intended to drive you nuts. They are the result of the most explosive brain development a human being ever experiences. Toddlers and preschoolers live in a near-constant state of frustration. They want to do things their bodies can’t do very well–like run or walk or go up and down stairs or climb or ask for something by name or pronounce words in a way that you can understand. They want to taste and touch everything around them and they have no idea that when they pull on that pretty planter it will fall over. They aren’t all that sure that if they pull on it again it will fall over again. So they try, they test, the explore. Too often, I hear about parents spanking their children for being children, for going where they shouldn’t go or touching what they shouldn’t touch. It’s the equivalent of your boss smacking you on the head every time you asked a question. They are learning. Give them a break.

4) It works, but not for the reasons we think it does. Spanking doesn’t teach a child much of anything except how to avoid pain. Personally, I don’t want my kids to be motivated by fear of pain. I want them to be motivated by the desire to treat others with respect and care, to listen to their parents because we are part of a family and that’s how families work. I want to shape their hearts not just change their behavior. I’d rather raise kids who make mistakes for the right reasons than kids who do everything right for the wrong ones. I mean, if good behavior is the goal, there are far more effective ways to scare kids into it.

5) It is far more about the parents’ response than the child’s behavior. Spanking seems to be the punishment of choice when parents are tired, irritated, or out of ideas for how to deal with a child’s behavior. Believe me, there are days when I could smack my kids just for standing in the wrong place. But spanking them because I can’t come up with a better option seems, well, wrong. And…

6) There are better options, such as:

Helping children develop language skills–whether it’s early signing, simple words, other signals–makes a tremendous difference in their frustration level. Children have wants and needs and nothing is more frustrating for them than not being able to express those wants and needs to the people whose help they need to meet them. Give them the tools to express themselves and they will truly be happier.

Giving them emotional language. When you help a child identify what he’s feeling, you give him the ability to deal with those feelings in ways that don’t involve misbehavior. When a child seems frustrated, tell him you see his frustration, then help him figure out how to solve whatever the problem is. Of course this takes work, patience, and more effort than most of us have in us some days. But it’s what our kids need.

Giving them time and space to calm themselves. Being frustrated or irritable isn’t a punishable offense. It’s an emotional response to something. So when we give kids a comfy chair, a quiet corner, a calm setting where they can settle themselves, we help them learn how to work through their feelings in healthy, non-injurious ways. I know this sound super-flaky, but I swear it works. I have three strong-willed children and all three of them have used the “calm-down” chair since they were two. Sometimes I put them there, sometimes they put themselves there, sometimes I have to go there. But it seriously works wonders.

Okay. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I mean, seriously, this thing kept me up last night, thinking about this precious baby asking Jesus for help, knowing that her parents would keep doing it and she would wonder why Jesus never heard her prayer. Dramatic? Yeah, but that’s what happens to me at 2 a.m.

Caryn: So, people, can you just join me in saying that the above is the reason Carla needs to write the definitive Christian Parenting book for our generation? Does she not need to be the new Dr. Spock?

Well said, Carla. And I’m impressed that you did this while you were supposed to be meeting that Dietrich Bonhoeffer deadline. Glad you have your priorities.

But back to the matter at hand…. It’s funny that you write this now because as I type I’m sitting on my front porch watching my mud-covered, only-in-a-diaper 2-year-old frolic in the front yard. I’m slightly panicked because he’s a street darter. Scares the heck out of me. And, as it so happens, just yesterday, I gave my second-ever spanking—in my seven years of motherhood.

We, too, are non-spankers (mostly, because my husband is really anti-spanking and I submitted…. PLUS the fact that I’d never hit a pet or horse or anything kind of carries over into how I feel about spanking kids). But yesterday after my son did his 4th in a row dash into the street, after I tried yelling “NO!” into his face and kind of giving him a firm grip thing three times. After “explaining” how a car could come along and make him “SPLAT” with a big loud hand-clap, he still gleefully ran into the street.

So I picked up my by and smacked his butt. Of course, he turned to me and smiled. And tried to run back into the street as soon as I put him down.

I always thought running into the street was the sort of “justified” spanking. When nothing else will do. But even here it does nothing. At least with my kids. I realized all kids are different–and that I’ve got three of the strongest-willed children on earth. Seriously, if we were spankers, we’d have to do it morning, noon, and night.

I do understand that perhaps with a different “‘type” of kid, the occasional swat might do wonders. It did “cure” my other son of jumping up and down in the bathtub back when he was 2, but I just don’t think it’s a good go-to discipline. Before it was just because of my instinct. Now, thanks to you, wise Carla, I’ve got some good reasons to back me up.

Of course, I still need a good way to keep my boy from running into the street (he did it again just two minutes ago—I caught him). I may need to look into shock collars. (KIDDING. Don’t use them for your dogs, either!!!!)

Carla: I am the new Dr. Spock! Does that mean someone younger than me will play me in the next movie? Oh, you mean the other Dr. Spock. Sorry.

I have another friend–the one I’m worried will read this and think I think ill of her when I totally don’t–who spanked her oldest son even though she swore she never would. He would have these huge, destructive tantrums and she just didn’t know what else to do. And I don’t blame her. I might very well have done the same thing.

As for your disobedient son who clearly has no respect for you or the Lord, I say you haul him in the house every time he makes a break for it. He doesn’t get to be outside unless he can stay out of the street. The other option is to walk over to the other side with him, satisfy his curiosity and see if he still feels the need to give it a go after that. I am full of advice, as you know, so message me if you really want a play-by-play on this.

Of course, we didn’t even bring up the whole misreading of “spare the rod” that makes this a theological issue for so many people. That’s because that justification for spanking is so ridiculously out of line with what that passage actually means that we’re not even giving it blog space. If someone has convinced you that this passage means you need to spank your kids to be a good Christian parent, they have seriously mislead you.

Going Green

Carla: Yep, you’re in the right place. Caryn got all worked up (so what else is new) about the widgets (or lack thereof) on our previous theme, so we switched things up yet again to this lovely green goodness.

I don’t really know what widgets do, so it’s really for the best that Caryn has become our new IT person.

Daniel Hauser and the Limits of Private Parenting

Carla: Here in God’s Country, the story of Daniel Hauser has been leading the news for several weeks. If you have the misfortune of living somewhere other than Minnesota, you might still recognize that name as that of the 13-year-old boy with Hodgkin’s lymphoma, a form of cancer that doctor’s say is 90 percent treatable with chemo and radiation treatments. Daniel and his mother have refused this treatment for what she is calling religious reasons. You can read more about the case, well, everywhere.

This sad story points to a deeper question, one that I think resonates with what we’re about here at the Mommy Revolution. To me, the case of Daniel Hauser begs the question of just how private parenting ought to be.

Caryn and I have talked a lot about how we want every mom to feel the freedom to parent in a way that makes sense to her, to be the kind of mom God made her to be rather than forcing herself to fit into some prescribed mold of motherhood. But the Hauser case represents what happens when we assume that freedom means no one gets to have any input into our lives.

I know that for you, Caryn, this story pushes your libertarian buttons and gets you nervous about government interference in family life. But to me, this is a case of child abuse and someone needs to step in. Daniel Hauser has a tumor in his chest that will suffocate him in a matter of weeks. His mother is willing to take a chance that her son will die a horrific death. I don’t think that’s a choice she gets to make, especially when her husband, her friends, even the guru of the type of natural healing she follows, are begging her to reconsider her decision.

(Side note: To me, it’s one thing for a family to decide that they want to forgo treatment for a child when they have tried and tried and it isn’t working, when the chances of recovery are almost non-existent, when the pain and suffering of the treatment will be far worse than the death that is imminent. There is a time to let go. But this boy is not in that place.)

I am a big believer in community, in the power of relationships to sustain us and heal us and help us be the people we were created to be. And I believe that community is essential to a healthy family life and a healthy personal life–the responses our posts on friendship speak to the deep need we have to feel connected. And yet when it comes to parenting, the cultural assumption is that it is an individual pursuit, that we can and should close the circle and do it alone.

I had a friend ask me once if I believed in that “whole ‘It takes a village’ crap.” Well, yeah! While I believe we have some say in who is in our village, I don’t think we get to pick and choose how we access that village. When the village speaks in a loud, unified voice, we need to listen. We might disagree, we might still choose to go another way, but we have to listen to those we trust and be willing to change our course. If I am doing something that all of my friends believe is harmful to my children, I pray they will tell me. And I pray I will hear them and have the strength to make a change.

Because raising children is not something we do for ourselves. We raise children to be part of the world, to be active, involved participants in the lives of other people. Daniel Hauser doesn’t belong to his mother. He belongs to a family, to a community, to God.

Caryn: So you have to end with the belonging to God, stuff… You are right, though, on many points here. I do believe that since God gave us our children we have the duty to protect them and nourish them and provide for them and love them and “heal” them where possible.

And I agree that this mom’s choice is nuts—and wrong. Totally. She is making the wrong choice. And will potentially allow her child to die a horrific death.

I’m actually okay with the state stepping in to protect this child. I guess I started getting nervous when they started talking about removing Daniel from his home. This is especially wrong if—as you say—the dad if pro-treatment. No sense taking a child away from his family (even if they are a bit off) during this horrible time.

That’s the line that starts worrying me about government intrustion because honestly, where will it end? Couldn’t someone argue that I’m molesting my 2-year-old because I still nurse him (like the weird psuedo-hippie mama I am)? I mean, what if I can’t wean him until his three (will you all PLEASE pray for him that this boy stops!!!)?

And I do worry about the rights of those who choose alternative meds—which is weird because I’m very PRO Western medicine. I get my kids flu shots. But I feel uneasy, say, about that HPV vaccine. What if refuse to do it—and my daughter contracts HPV at 15 and develops cervical cancer at 16? Will she be taken from me? Was that abuse?

I realize I may be going too far down the “slippery slope” thing here, but I get worried. Because sometimes the village is all wrong and only one person is right. Villages like Noahville and Ninevah come to mind.

I don’t know. I feel all wishy washy about this. But something just feels wrong.

Carla: The slippery slope is always a danger, in everything. But I’m not sure it’s helpful to limit or permit something because of what it might lead to. To me, we always run into problems when we try to put blanket policies or ideology around unique circumstances. That’s why law books are enormous and always changing–the law isn’t a blanket declaration that stands firm in all times and all places and in all circumstances. There are exceptions, nuances, situational adjustments.

And yes, the village can be wrong, but in general, group think tends to lead to better decisions–read this for more on that–than individual decision-making. Your nursing example is a good one. You made that decision based on what works for you, but you’ve also read about extended nursing, asked other moms about it, weighed the pros and cons. In other words, you’ve used the village to help you with your decision–not just to keep nursing but to nurse in the first place. Even if you were simply basing your decision on your own intuition, you’d be doing so because the village affirmed the rightness of you doing so.

Okay, this has turned into a philosophical discussion. So what do you think friends? What are the limits of private parenting? When do we step into each other’s lives? When do we dig in and push back at the village?

Update from Carla: I talked about this post on my friend Doug Pagitt’s radio show this morning. You can watch/listen here.

Update #2: This just in–Daniel will begin chemo.

Livin’ La Vida…Amiga

Caryn: So a couple nights ago I did one of my favorite late-night things—running to the grocery store for a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread. Lame, I realize, on the “favorite thing” scale, but since becoming a mom, this tiny escape totally recharges me and I love it. Mostly because I get to be in a store alone and because I think music is best heard loud, at night while alone in a car. Something I first realized at 16—like 10 minutes after getting my license.

But anyway, on the way back from my little outing, I had Ricky Martin’s “Livin’ La Vida Loca” cranked—and I mean cranked! Windows down, me singing, me dancing, me smiling….

Carla, you know why this song makes me smile. Not only is it one of the darned happiest, poppiest, shakiest songs ever, and not only did I have a married-woman crush on this gay man, but it brings back memories of one of my favorite times of life: the years spent editing magazines and laughing with you (I’m talking to Carla, here) and Lori and Dana and Cheryl and Ron and Mickey and a zillion more great people.

Specifically, the Ricky Martin memory is not of shaking it in those hallways (though it wouldn’t have been beyond us) but of the ”Little Ricky” (a xeroxed paper cutout of the man) perched on my office bookshelf. Something that made me laugh then (and now) but also something that in a weird way symbolized these office friendships for me.

Alrighty. Here’s the point of this: What struck me about my happiness upon hearing this song was that the last time I heard it randomly—probably a couple years ago—I felt really SAD. I was in this weird, dark, lonely mommy place where I missed everything about my “old” life so much and felt like I none of the same great connections or friendships in my “new” life.

I wasn’t—as we say in Christian-ese—living in community.

And it sucked—not having regular people to laugh with, gripe with, connect with, be myself with. It was a really hard time of life. So hard, I couldn’t listen to a song that brought back what were once happy memories.

All this to say, it feels so good to be back. To have found and remade connections. To be able to smile at my old life because the new one is smile-worthy now too.

I totally thank God fro this. He heard my “I need friends” lonely prayers and answered them in big, crazy God ways: through Facebook, through new flesh-and-blood friends, and through the Mommy Revolution, baby! I no longer feel like a fish out of water—but realize I’m swimming among some awesome other fish.

Carla: Little Ricky makes me laugh out loud! Those were such golden days–a bunch of girls and a couple of willing-to-put-up-with-a-bunch-of-girls guys.

What’s ironic is that, for me, those were also intensely lonely years. I remember feeling like I had no connections with people, even people I truly loved and enjoyed–that would be Caryn, Kim, Lori, Marci, etc. Now I know that I was at the beginning of a journey that would take me through some incredibly difficult seasons of figuring out who I am and–as dumb as it sounds–finding myself.

But at the time, of course, I didn’t know that. I was still trying so hard to be perfect, to make sure everyone liked me. I had no idea who I was so I had no idea how to connect with anyone. You (Caryn) and I have talked about this, how sad it is that the friendship we had could have been even deeper if we had just known how to let down our guard and be ourselves.

But like you, I am in such a better place now. It took all kinds prayer and work and struggle and pain and therapy to get to this place, but it was so worth it. I finally have the kinds of friendships I always prayed for–the ones where we are honest and vulnerable and no one pretends to be anything other than who she is. It is seriously so much more life-giving than trying to act like we have our crap together. We might never fully revolutionize motherhood, but I think that the women who are gathering here–and hopefully in Minneapolis in October!–are finding that they aren’t the only ones to feel lonely or disconnected, that they aren’t the only ones who struggle to develop meaningful friendships, and that there are women out there who will value them for who they are, failures and uncertainties and flaws included.

Caryn: Speaking of old and new friends–and Carla mentioned “October”: We’re totally hoping you can join me and Carla in a couple of cool events we’ve got coming up: 1. a FREE webinar (details to be announced soon) and 2. a Mommy Revolution Mom Hall Meeting (and probably food and drinkie thing) at the Christianty21 Conference in Mpls, MN, in October. How cool would it be to see each other for reals?

Mother’s Day, Part 2

Carla & Caryn: Along with our rant about Mother’s Day and the church, we do sincerely wish all of you a lovely Mother’s Day. For those of you celebrating for the first time, may you relish your new title and the joy that comes with it. For those of you who have a restaurant brunch to look forward to, may the roast beef be hot, the cheesy hashbrowns cheesy, and the pie covered with real whipped cream. For those of you who want nothing more than the day off, may the checkout lines be short, may your favorite chair at the coffee shop be free, and may you find something super cute to wear on Monday.

And for those of you for whom Mother’s Day is painful–for whatever reason–may you be filled with God’s peace and comfort and the knowledge that your sisters at the Revolution are thinking of you with much love.

One more thing: a friend just linked to this beautiful post from Vinita Hampton Wright.

Mother’s Day Sermons….Ugh.

Caryn: After church this past Sunday, “Pastor Gregg” (which is his actual name, but I thought for some reason it would be funny to make it seem sketchy) asked me if I had any wisdom to impart as he prepared his Mother’s Day sermon for this coming Sunday. The text apparently is Genesis 29ish where Jacob marries Leah and Rachel (we’re working through a series on this crazy family. Seriously, it’s been a blessing because these OT guys make me feel so much better about my own fam!). But because of this text he was understandably feeling a tad unsure of how this could tie into Mother’s Day in any sort of nice fashion.

So I did my quick little Mother’s Day thing about how the truth is that most of us just actually want the day OFF, a day AWAY from the children and husbands we love so so much. How the perfect Mother’s Day really requires no mothering. Then I went into my little joke about how I think we really could use another wife in my house. “A good one, though, this time,” I said for the millionth time in my life because I don’t think “Pastor Gregg” had heard my spiel (he’s new). “One who can clean the house and watch the kids.”

He didn’t think it was quiet as funny as I do, I don’t think, but he didn’t look at me like I was TOO insane, which was good.

So anyway, all this to say I totally blanked in any wisdom I could impart on this topic, so I said I’d get back to him. This is my getting back to him.

Here’s what I really think about Mother’s Day at church. I like when we hand out those yummy free-trade chocolate bars at the end of the service to ALL women (but I will be okay if we had to ixnay those due to budget concerns!). I love that my pastors always mention the women who long to be mothers but have not yet had that dream fulfilled (the Leah and Rachel thing works well for this!). But I always get worried that a Mother’s Day sermon will feel forced, or worse, “light.”

I mean, I just got a catalog from a local Christian book store, featuring all sorts of crap for Mother’s Day. Tea cups. Stupid plaques. Gift books. (Of course, I’m bitter because MY book wasn’t featured, but this bitter bias doesn’t mean it’s not true). Essentially a bunch of Jesus junk that no mom actually needs. Nothing to encourage moms to go deep into their gifts, to focus on their Maker to see how we’re made and who they’re made to be. Nothing to challenge them in to live out faith in daring, dangerous ways. Nothing to get to know God better. Nothing deep, powerful, impactful, moving, meaningful, eternal….

Now. If you like this sort of stuff, great. Fine. Good. But I’m so tired of Mother’s Day being light and fluffy. I think moms should be celebrated—but not coddled. Mother’s Day just perpetuates the lowering-the-standard thing that happens to women when they become moms. Like having children should zap out every other meaningful, challenging thing (including getting deep with God, if we’re honest) in our lives.

Back to my advice to “Pastor Gregg.” Say Happy Mother’s Day. And then preach the sermon that God spilled into your heart and head. Don’t make it about Mother’s Day. Where the Holy Spirit guides you is where it needs to go and what mothers and fathers and non-moms and non-dads and kids and old people and singles and gay people and whoever else is sitting in that building needs to hear.

But Carla, you’re the one-time-seminarian (she claims she simply didn’t finish so she could study MacDonald in Scotland, but I smell a story. A scandalous getting-kicked-out-of-Fuller-Sem bit….). You might even be preaching! What do you think?

Carla: Okay, first, let’s give “Pastor Gregg” kudos for asking an actual mom for her thoughts on his Mother’s Day sermon. While I’m sure it’s mostly because you are the resident expert on all things maternal at your church and he’s probably afraid of ticking you off–and I can’t say I blame him what with you and your persnickity-ness–it still speaks well of him that he doesn’t see himself as the sole arbiter of truth and wisdom.

Moving on. I am totally with you on this. Yes, mothers should be honored and I am all about getting a little special lovin’ from the fam one day a year. And like you, all I really want is the day off. What I don’t need or want or believe ought to happen is for Mother’s Day to be a church event.

When we went to an episcopal church, there was no acknowledgment of Mother’s Day at all. It’s not a church holiday so typically it doesn’t get a mention in high liturgical churches.

At our current church, we note that it’s happening–we note lots of other stuff too, like the May Day parade last Sunday, recent marriages or babies or retirements, and particularly nice weather. We hand out flowers to all the women–young and old, mothers and non-mothers. There is a verbal acknowledgment that Mother’s Day is not easy for a lot of people for various reasons–they want to be mothers and aren’t, they are the mothers of children who have died, they have difficult relationships with their own mothers, their mothers have died, and on and on. So we honor what is good about motherhood, name what is difficult about motherhood, and then move on.

But so much of the Mother’s Day hoopla undermines motherhood in a weird way. It suggests that every mom is the same, that we have universal tastes and needs and that all we need is a good brunch once a year to make us happy. They all work together to create this dreamy, perfect view of motherhood, something that is rarely dreamy or perfect. The same thing happens with Father’s Day, I know, but they can have their own revolution. So if you don’t fit in to the ideal model of motherhood, all the lovely books and teacups and sermons end up being a reminder of how not like “all the other moms” you really are. I would rather see motherhood celebrated as the complex, mysterious, unique-to-everyone experience that it is. It is too incredible to be codified or sentimentalized. It is too profound to fit on a card or a plaque. It’s a relationship, not a Hallmark moment.

So I hope “Pastor Gregg” skips that sermon and lets the Holy Spirit speak to him about what his community needs to hear about Jacob and Leah and Rachel. The moms–and old people and kids and singles and gay people–will thank him.

Caryn: Mostly the gay people, I think. But, total kudos to “Pastor Gregg” for asking. He’s a great guy. Married to a great woman too (though I’m a touch jealous of her still because she spent part of this past week at a monastery forming her spirit…). I’m sure “Pastor Gregg””ll be thrilled about the way I’ve repaid his thoughfulness.

So what about you Revolutionary Mommies? How do your church’s “handle” the big MD?